I Am Not My Gender.

I asked my class today, how many thought Barbie Dolls were only meant for girls. A number of them put their hands up. Except for a few of them who had neutral or no opinions, everyone cumulatively agreed that boys shouldn't be playing with them. In fact, when Om confessed to having played with them, they laughed. The class also cumulatively stated that girls can't (/shouldn't) play football. When I asked them why (I think they call me 'Why Didi' behind my back), the responses I got, disturbed me. Girls are not strong enough, Bhakti said. Therefore they can't kick the ball, Ekansh added. Krishna said he knows that girls can't run fast. About cricket, Swaroop told me, girls can't lift the bat because the bats are heavy.

A couple of days back, Aditi came crying to me. Harshada had apparently scorned her for having worn 'shorts' one day. Aditi also doesn't go out to play because there aren't any other girls in her colony and the boys won't play with her.

Rohan wants to play with Harshada but is asked to go and play with the boys instead. Om's best friend is a girl and he often complains about how the class is mocking him. Krishna won't wear leggings (a part of the annual day costume) because he thinks only girls wear it. Bhavik won't hold Meenakshi's hand because she is a girl. The class sneers each time I mention how well Pranjal Bhaiya cooks. Boys cant cook, they tell me. They approve of me hugging Veda Didi but hugging Pranjal Bhaiya results in either high-pitched 'HAWWs' or sneaky smiles.

As much as this disturbs me, I dare not judge them. My kids are 7 years old. Some maybe 8. They are unaware of the boxes they've been in and/or have built around themselves. Already. Unaware that this where it all starts - Gender Stereotype.

I don't want to answer the million questions about why I've been talking about these. I am scared. It's difficult. Very. Rather, I don't want them to build more boxes. I don't want to tell them that boys also cook. I don't want to tell them about girls playing football. I don't want to tell them that girls can do 'boy things' and boys can do 'girl things', This is not what I want them to take away.

What I DO want them to learn is that it doesn't matter. That there are no 'boy things' and no 'girl things'. That I am not my gender. That they are not theirs. And while on one hand I am determined to do this, there is a lot of my faith which is being put to test.

It bothers me so much. To anybody who asks me how rape, sexual harassment and Violence against women have anything to do with upbringing and family, this is my answer.

This is my answer as to why I don't believe in capital punishment for rapists. This is my answer as to why rape is more cause than consequence. This is my answer as to how patriarchy is as oppressive on men as it is on women. This is my answer as to why I felt pity more than anger when a fellow biker lurched at me today and broke into a song while I was on the bike with Veda. This - is my answer as to why I feel guilty each time I feel extremely fearful of men around me.

I want to teach my children to make correct choices because of their will. Not because of their gender.

My big plan now, is to just give them as many examples. And let them figure it out by themselves.

Amen.

Yet.

Silence speaks to me

These words

They talk to me of a yesterday

Of the changing times, days good and bad

Of the life passed, past killed

And of the memories

Gone, yet not forgotten.

Silence speaks to me

These words

They talk to me of love

Of the stranger, met, loved and lived with

Of the kisses, blushes and walks

Of the sweet nothings over the phone

Lost, yet not forgotten.

Silence speaks to me

These words

They talk to me of life

Of the life entangled in a permanence of insanity

Of the life filled with divides and fears

And Fairy tales, only dreamt about

Not fulfilled, yet not forgotten.

Silence speaks to me

These words

They talk to me of a tomorrow

Of a yesterday repeating itself

The killed past. the saved memories

The dreams, the hopes and reality. And love

Untouched, yet not forgotten.

Break free

Crossing the line, didn't seem difficult. It was living on the other side, facing the reality which was hard. The truth was, that I didn't want to move on. I wanted to stay exactly where I was. But once on the other side, I realised, letting go of inhibitions was easier than I thought.

Moving on, I realised, was definitely a better option that getting used to the life I had been living.

I had to learn to take responsibilities. To take risks.

And when I broke through the wall of ignorance and convinience I had built around myself, I realised the other side was much better and brighter. I felt free.

I, had finally, learnt to live.

A Letter to the Future - Dear Chloe,.

*I wrote this for my Fresher's competition in LSR. This one's inspired by a post in Tejaswee rao's Blog - I.M.A.O.*

29th Sept, 2010


Dear Chloe,
Weird. Me writing to you even though I know someday I’m gunna read this out anyways.

I’ve always wanted to have you. For the last18 years and three days. Ever since I was born. Or, erm minus a month and three days because I probably wouldn’t have known then what it is like to have a pet dog of your own. =) But, Mum wouldn’t let me have you only.

People say you can’t talk to dogs, or rather bitches like in your case. I know I can. If I can talk to my 300-page dairy (which keeps running out of pages), for the last six years, I can talk to you too.

I plan to have you in six more years. Mum won’t have a problem then. At least she says so. Six years. It’s a target I have like those people in the investment and sales industry do. Get four customers in two days.

*Get a house. A good place to work in. A charm bracelet for my bestie. You.*

So, here you get to know who your future best friend is.

I’m eighteen. Just into college. Still overwhelmed about how I grew up so fast. (I turned into an adult just three days back!). And, out of home. And getting used to how to stay out of it. There’s no going back there again. Permanently. :/

I’m going through a very unexpected phase of life. So unexpected that I’m afraid it might change me a little. Others say it is good for me. I need to be changed. I don’t know.

Circumstances have made me insecure. Sometimes, I’m afraid if I’ll ever be able to have the pleasures of cuddling you. Of watching you sleep with you ear over my feet. Lapping up your milk and licking it on me with your teeny pink tongue. I know, you Beagles can be very cute. A neighbour had one too!

I’m afraid because I’ ve never really had what I’ve wanted. Not that I’m not happy with what I’ve got, but still.

I haven’t got THE badge of the head girl, I haven’t got to go to Columbia, I haven’t got an Honours , I haven’t got the boyfriend I wished I would. Christ! I didn’t even get NSS!
I don’t regret it. It’s just that I’ve been almost there and not had it.
I don’t want to have regrets with you.

I talk A LOT. And write. And take photographs all the time.
Along with you, I want a DSLR too. So that I can click amazing pictures of you and me together and store it in my Album- ‘Memories Forever’. =D

For your information, everyone calls me Pie. Not cutie-pie or sweety-pie or all that stuff. Just Pie. And, I love it. These days, I call myself Pie too. Although Nidhi ain’t all that bad a name.



I might not get everything in the future either but I know I’m gunna have you. And we’ll stay together in my house at Orange County where you’ll have plenty of people to play with, I promise.

I might not be the best person to take care of you. But then trust me, once yours ears get used to me, you’re gunna find it difficult to survive without me. :P

I’m very indecisive, so please don’t bother asking me about what to feed you. I’ll take you into the shop. Choose for yourself.

And, I’m not gunna put all those pinky-pinky dresses on you. I know you’re a bitch and everybody does that. But, No. I’m not everybody. You’ll have to stay my way. You adjust. I adjust.

I promise I’m not going to take you away from your mommy. I know how it feels to be far away. I’ll adopt you Chloe. And, I’ll take care of you like a mommy. Not literally of course. You know what I mean. ;)

Oh, you’ll love Sweta. She’s the one I stole your name from. She’s my best friend. And, she’s gunna be one frequent visitor. You might even get to stay with her. That’s what we planned. Both of us, you and two fish each. And Boyfriends. If needed.
Small Family. Happy Family.

Looking forward to amazing days with you.
Meet you in six years Chloe. If no one is gifting you to me, you are my ‘gifted-to-myself’ 24th birthday gift.
Until then, Lots of love,

Pie.

P. S. - I’m writing this letter for a competition. Yes. But, I’m gunna save a copy of it and make sure you listen to what all I have to say. In six years, I’m sure there’ll be much more to this. Cheers to us.

*Thanks Tejaswee. You're embedded in my memory forever. May your soul rest in peace.*