Inception.

I sat staring at the blank wall
Woven dreams, at my threshold

A pen in hand, hundred thoughts at work

As the life I knew, I give up.

The pen in your hand is what your dreams are.

The thoughts vying to cross that threshold and bloom into life.

The life that you just gave up.

Along the corridors I walk by,

Along the sands of time.

A leap of faith, a baby step,

As the life I knew, I give up.

The corridors hold the key to your memories.

The sands of time with our footsteps.

If you look you may not leap..

Leap into the life unknown.

Bound in the blind prisons of reality

My eyes reach out far seeking freedom

Repressed fantasies compel me to have trust

As the life I knew, I give up.

Take a step, find a key. A key to your reality.

Freedom is close, not that far.

Its an illusion of your  fantasy.

The fantasy of a life you just gave up.

And I drift away to yesterday

To a life I'd never have again.

For tomorrow, my past, I close shut

As the life I knew, I give up.

And the life I  knew, I give up.

Why drift into the past? You've lived it long enough.

Its a life that has lived you well enough.

Bask in the sunshine of today, not in the shadows of what could be.

Coz what will be, will be. Even if the life you knew, you give up.

Even if the life you knew, you give up.

Away from that place, called home.

Do I miss home? Do I miss my city? How have I adjusted so easily?
I am tired of answering these questions about a hundred times. Its obvious. Some people ask out of curiosity. Some people some ask out of concern. And some, simply out of awe.
Yes, they are surprised at how I have managed to move on so easily. Leave my home behind. Adjust.

The truth is, I haven't moved on. And that is what has helped me perfectly to adjust. To adjust to a  completely new environment. To a completely new life.
We only miss those things in life, which we leave behind.
I haven't left anything behind.

In a poetic way, I could say I have carried memories and thoughts along. This time, its that and much more.

Lessons learnt. With mistakes. Through experience. During arguments. Within problems. And solutions. I have carried every single lesson I have learnt in this short life I have lived so far. And, I continue to learn.

Relationships. Family. Friends. Crushes. Though that does not really qualify into a relationship!  Snapshots, mementos. And love.

Passions. Priorities. No, they haven't changed. I'm still a nerd. Or whatever you've judged me as. I am still growing up. The legacy of 'T'. Decisions have been altered. Goals have not.

Habits, I'm not gunna mention them. You know they are NEVER going to change. I might add few. But the ones I have, remains forever.

Finally, nature, I'm still a stubborn, mushy, spontaneous, stupidly smart, blunt at my sweetest, self-obsessed pacifist. I eat a lot. Talk a lot. And I'm impatient. Ironically, tolerant. And 'Diplomatic'. I am still the 'Pie'. To the wind. And many more. I can stare at the moon for hours. I still have butterfingers.

I'll change. In fact I am changing. Evolving. But carrying forward the good of my past to the future. Maybe some of the bad too. But do you care enough to know?

In spite of all these, you ask me if I miss home!
In simple words, I don't.  Because I carry it with me, wherever I go. The world, is my home. The reality, my life. The dreams, my vacations. And the ultimate best, my destination.

Looking forward to a fulfilling life in Delhi. Amen.

What's in a name

How much of difference does it take to be different? Everyone walks around proclaiming how 'different' they are, but if everyone is different, aren't everyone the same?

Each one of us want to fit in. Yet again, each one of us want to stand out. 

Mr/Ms. Different, you confuse me.

The truth is, each one of us are different. If you want to go out to the world and prove something, prove your worth. Prove your sense of reliability. Prove your sense of responsibility.

Prove your love, your friendship, your faith.

Sometimes you have to move against the flow of the world. Just being different wont help dude. You need to BE more. You need to DO more.

Be compassionate, not sympathetic. Be informal, but know formalities. Know where the line is, but take care not to cross the line.

Don't cross your limitations, try to overcome them. Do what you want to do. But also do things to help others. Be what you want to be. Life is too short to be some one else.

Love others. Help others. Only after you have helped yourself, loved yourself.

Don't be too selfish. Don't be too selfless. Don't be too balanced.

Don't be too positive. Don't be too negative. Be practical.

Don't be sentimental. Be emotional.

Lie or don't lie. But don't cover up once you are caught.

Lying and manipulating the truth is the same thing. It is better to Shut Up.

Confess. But to the right person.

Introspect. Only when it helps. 

Think. Only when required.

Be spontaneous, but look before you leap.

Compromise, Sacrifice. But do it willingly.

Don't regret.

Make mistakes. Learn from them.

If you haven't made mistakes, you haven't made anything.

Talk you heart out. But respect and keep secrets. Especially if they belong to others.

Enjoy the irony of life. Don't get involved in it.

Be different to different people but same to each one.

Don't have double standards.

Create your own path. If you can't, there is no fault in following another one.

Sometimes it is not about creating your own. It also helps if you repair someone else's.

Giving up is not so bad. But never give in.

Dream. Fantasize. Imagine. But live in the real world. 

Don't get confused about past, present and future. They are equally important for our existence. Remember yesterday, Live today and Think tomorrow.

Listen to other's advice. Follow your heart (or your mind, whichever you choose).

Smile. And spread the smile.

Laugh all the time. It helps heal.

Cry your heart out. It helps heal faster.

Live life King Size.

But remember, the king has had problems too. :P

Blabber

I'm still wondering about all the reasons that has kept me away from writing for the past few days.
Work, No I've had no huge workload. But I don't find time enough.
Environment, I have had days bustling with activity, surrounded by young cousins, attending a wedding.
Stress, College. I reached the highest Ph level of stress waiting for college lists to come out.
No access to internet. For a long time.

Mindset. Go figure.

I have written before in spite a huge workload, amidst a bigger wedding, in my diary if I have had no access to the blog and under extreme cases of stress. It is my mindset which has kept me away.

What induced this mindset, I'm yet to find out. A mental block, a writer's block is the last thing I want to be suffering from. But, nothing that I write seems to come to an end.

After endless torn papers and incomplete compositions, I have decided that I have had ENOUGH.

Its time to start exploring again.Its  time to wage a war against my mind. Its time to break the conflict.
No matter how it turns out to be, I'm not going to take a break and I'm going to start writing again.

I've blabbered enough. It's time to rise again.
Its time, to live again.

The Raindrop Destiny

He looked out of the window tightly clutching the pen he held in his hand. It was the first heavy shower of the year. A great relief from the scorching heat. The wind, or the zephyr as he called it, rushed through his face.

He lived in the thirteenth floor thanks to which he was always a witness to city’s activity. He wasn’t interested generally. The activity outside in contrast to his passive life kept him away from the window most of the time. And, there was work.

The rain hadn’t emptied the streets of Calcutta at all. In fact, a number of people were actually out there enjoying the shower. He spotted Mrs. Misra with her 10 year old daughter by the windowsill chattering away holding a cup. Tea or coffee, he could not say. In the garden, four girls pranced about in the rain, taking full advantage of their adolescence. He recognized one of them, Akshi, his next-door neighbor. The song on his ITunes DJ changed. I’ll follow you into the dark – Death Cab for Cutie.

Adhikansh Mehra had always been a music addict. Any genre, any artist, if the song managed to touch his soul, it was his favorite. He had songs playing all the time. Morning, noon and night. Work and leisure.

His eyes hurt. He realized that he had been holding back his tears for a long time now. But he didn’t want to weep. He was a brave man, or he thought so at least. The song, the rain, the wind- it was getting into him. He looked into the photograph, and for the first time in months, he cried.

He cried holding the photograph close to his heart thinking about how much wrong he had done to her. How much he had kept her away. He remembered her first touch, so welcoming, as if she had already accepted him. Her beautiful eyes, curiously popping out. Her twinkling smile. Her first cry. Aditi. His daughter, Aditi. The reason why the chapters of his life closed, Aditi.

***

Adhikansh and Niyati were childhood sweethearts. They met in school, kindergarten itself. By class III, they were best friends. She gave him the notes she had written for herself; he gave her the chocolates, he had bought for himself. He called her Pie, she called him Pinky. She was four when he had asked her whether she would marry him. He had apparently read the word ‘marriage’ in some lesson and wanted to do the same with her.

They were perfect- individually and together. The hazel-eyed, tall, fair and handsome Adhikansh and the curly-haired, smart, sweet and beautiful Niyati. Chivalrous Adhikansh and Elegant Niyati. The only time they had been torn apart from each other was when Adhikansh’s father had been transferred to Delhi for 3 years. 36 months later, their love was intact.

Not that they were not different. He studied science, she studied arts. He was an athlete, she was a dancer. He played the mouth-organ, she played the piano. But the differences hardly mattered. From being mere school mates, they went on to be family friends, till the day they were declared ‘Man and Wife’. Their marriage was perfect. Yes, they did have the usual ‘You shouldn’t have’, ‘Why always me?’, “Don’t you know!’ quibbles but otherwise, it was P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

Perfect, till it lasted. 4 years of marriage and 17 years of a relationship lost its soul. He was 25. She was 24. And she was 8 months pregnant.

It was raining that night. Adhikansh switched on the music. “I’ll follow you into the dark”, he sang to her. “I don’t want you following me so soon”, she teased. “Maybe I won’t follow you at all, maybe I’ll lead”, he teased back “Let’s walk together.” The rain started getting heavier. The streets like any other of south Calcutta were jammed with water. Aditi-Aditya, the argument started. She wanted Aditya. He wanted Aditi. Niyati felt a jerk. Her breathing became heavier. “I think my water broke”, she spluttered.

He took a lot of time to reach the hospital. A little more than he should have. Niyati had almost choked by then. Taruni, her gyne and their family friend, consoled him. Don’t worry she said and the OT closed. Two hours passed. Taruni came out. “What… wha..?” Adhikansh couldn’t wait anymore. The entire family was waiting on the other end of the phone. “I could save only her”,. Adhikansh sighed sadly but relieved. “Your daughter Aditi, I could only save her. Sorry” Taruni said softly. That was it. Life, as Adhikansh knew, had ended.

***

The force of the wind increased. The zephyr, it seemed to be talking to him. Seven months back, he had cried – for no rhyme or reason. Once again, tears washed down his handsome face. The adoption papers were lying in front of him, the pen in his hand. Aditi would be one tomorrow. Adhikansh’s sister, Akanksha had planned to adopt her. In fact Aditi had been with Akanksha since birth. He would just have to sign to avoid further legal complications. He saw the photograph. She had his eyes. His eyes only. The rest of her face somehow belonged to her mother. The twitched nose, the curly hair. Would he ever be able to love this piece of flesh who had taken his life away from him? Adhikansh looked up and stared at the sky, taking in the wind – Niyati. Smiling. Hopeful Niyati. Brave Niyati. His Niyati.

 He picked up the phone. “Akanksha?” He asked. His voice cracked. “Yes Adhi.” “I want my daughter Akanksha. I want my Aditi back.”